Pure Michigan....

It's been 7 months since we have been back home for a visit, so it's about time. It will be nice to have a break from the Memphis heat too. We'll only be in Michigan for 4 days, and hopefully we'll be able to see everyone that we plan to see. Time always goes by pretty fast while we're there... Coney Island is definitely on the must visit list and maybe even a trip to Paradox for Sunday service. I want to visit the fountains at the Warren Civic Center, maybe Metro Beach and George George park. A mani/pedi would be fun too (not that I couldn't do that here in Memphis). Ok, I'm getting a little too ambitous now. We'll see how the days go. And hopefully, we will be coming home with a new pool! Dan's sister and her husband own a pool store in Michigan, and we would like to purchase from them. I'm thinking a pool party is in the near future!!!

I have been praying over whether to homeschool or not. I have made a pros/cons list for both, read through scripture, talked to other people and I *think* I may have my decision. It's funny, so many people think that "I've already got my hands full, so I should just put them in school," or "it will be so much better for them to go to school," and other discouraging phrases indictating that I'm just not cut out to homeschool or that I am weird for even considering it. Maybe I am starting to believe that, who knows but I have decided that my kids will attend public school until at least Christmas break. Not everyone who thinks I should try public school thinks that I cannot homeschool. I know who my critics are. Anyway, I've struggled with the decision greatly and right now public school feels like the right decision for our family. I do have my kids' best interest at heart when I think that they will do better there than at home with me. It will be good for them and for me, and if at any time it isn't, then we will re-evaluate.

I have been feeling the urge to be crafty lately. Yesterday I made hairbows with some friends. They didn't turn out at perfectly as I had hoped, but they're still cute. I need to do it again soon. I also need to cover the tv niche above my fireplace. It looks ghetto right now. I can't decide whether I want shutters there, which would be an easy fix, a mirror (which has been hard to find, because it's a biiiiig hole), or if I want to get all complicated and do a collage of pictures. I need a trip to Hobby Lobby......

So that's all I have time for right now. I need to maximize naptime, Coach Mom style. :)

Moving stinks

We are (mostly) moved into the new house. My desktop computer is still at the apartment because I couldn't get an appointment with AT&T to hook up Internet until this coming Thursday. I have to be able to do classwork so until then I have to drive to the apartment almost daily to get my work done. It's only a mile and a half away but it stinks! I took the kids there this morning and they were naturally bored which caused them to fight.... I tell you, moving 750 miles was much easier than moving 1 1/2 miles. Funny how that works out.

I have to say, I love our new digs. It's not the fanciest or biggest house we could find but we're loving it. And we have some pretty neat neighbors. Many of them are Bellevue members as well. They have welcomed us right away, with the neighbor behind us bringing over barbecue ribs. We are blessed and totally don't deserve it. I am looking forward to lots of playdates and fellowship times here. This is exactly what I've been praying for. I have been asking God why. I know. I know. I sound ungrateful or something, but it's just the opposite. I am in total awe that so many of my prayers have been answered and I know that I just don't deserve any of it. None of us "deserve" anything, yet I hear so many people say, "I deserve...." My generation has a sense of entitlement, we should be grateful with what we have. I never want to hear my kids say "I deserve!" Anyway....

I am looking forward to the Coach Mom book study coming up on Thursday. I have been reading a little bit from the book every morning after reading the Bible and it is so good! The ideas are fresh in my mind and I find it easier to put them into practice right away....

I've been reconsidering my decision to homeschool. The decision seemed easy when we were in a different school district. Now that we've moved, and we are in a better district, I feel that I should at least look into it. There have been two occasions that I have almost ordered our curriculum for homeschool and didn't for whatever reason. Maybe this is God trying to say wait a minute? Maybe it is Satan making me second guess my decision? Or maybe I am trying to read into too much. Who knows. I have been praying all day to be still enough to hear God's voice and that he clearly gives me the answer. Until then, the kids and I are going to begin a "review" at home so that they are ready for the upcoming school year whether it is here at home or at White Station Elementary. We'll see how it goes, and if all goes well, I may be closer to the answer I'm looking for.... I see some of my homeschool friends who just have it all together, including their patience and I wonder if I will measure up. I want the best for my kids, as does any mother but I wonder if I'm fit for the position. If you could pray for me that God will send us in the right direction, I would appreciate it....

Poor Neglected Blog!

I have tried to update this blog so many times and have failed... Go me!

What's new with the Dezinskis?

Justin was baptized on June 5th. It was amazing to see my baby boy making such a big decision at such a young age. He has such a heart for God, I hope he always stays that way. I hope I can help nurture that. The choir sang "Shout to the Lord" which I have never heard in service in the 8 months we have been going to Bellevue. It was neat to me, because it was the final song played at my Mamaw's funeral, per my request. Mamaw and Papaw (along with my aunt) were the ones who took me to church and talked to me about Jesus when I was a little girl. My parents never did and come to think of it, I don't believe I've ever been into a church with either of them. Sad.... Anyway, it was like a little sign from Heaven that Mamaw and the other angels were rejoicing over Justin's baptism. My kids never had the pleasure of knowing Mamaw, but she really helped shape me into who I am. My only regrets are not having her teach me to sew and having her write down some of her infamous recipes...

Today is my birthday.  When I was younger, I used to get so hyped for my birthday that by the time the day actually came I would be so excited that I would end up feeling let down because I made it out to more than it ever needed to be. It was like I expected something magical to happen but it never did. Thankfully I have gotten over that! But still, I've always been one to make a big deal about birthdays. Just ask my kids! I'm already planning a princess tea party, a Halloween/pirate birthday party and a heart themed 1st birthday! Might as well celebrate, you never know how many you'll get and which one will be your last! It's been a good day, although I didn't do anything super exciting. I had a late breakfast at Blue Plate Cafe with my good pal Faith and the kiddos. Yummy as always. We met up again later in the afternoon (after the babies had their naps) to indulge ourselves in Gigi's cupcakes and then Dan, the kids and I had Moe's for dinner. Yum yum yum! I'm sure I've gained 10 pounds today, which isn't exactly part of my diet plan but you only turn 27 once, right? Ha ha, like turning 27 is a milestone birthday or something. But I feel blessed to be allowed another birthday. I have never dealt with a life threatening illness or anything like that, but life is so short and can be taken in an instant.... I started my morning by praising Jesus that he has given me another birthday to celebrate as a healthy momma and wife to 3 healthy kids and a healthy husband. It doesn't get any better than that!!

So we are moving to our new-to-us house on Monday. I am so excited I could burst, and you would think I'd be displaying that excitement by packing but I so vividly remember doing this exact same thing 1 year ago. I was much more organized and eager to pack. I was excited to see what kind of journey we were about to embark on that I just couldn't wait to get to Memphis. And I was also 16ish weeks pregnant (and hadn't yet been blindsided with issue after issue with my pregnancy). And here we are a year later, I'm not so gung ho about packing and then unpacking. Last year, I knew I needed to be organized and prepared, because we were moving 750 miles away with nobody but ourselves to help. This time we're moving a mile and a half away with plenty of friends willing to help. We have accumulated so much in just one year (including another person!), that I'm not quite certain how exactly we fit into an apartment....

Once we get settled in, there are a couple cute projects that I'd like to tackle, as well as getting a school room set up, as we are planning to homeschool this year. I love being crafty although I'm not sure how creative I am. I went to Hobby Lobby last weekend and spent more than an hour there looking at everything and thinking about all the fun projects I could do. I wish I could spend an entire day making pretty things! Oh and I want to have a garden too. I don't know the first thing about gardening, but why not learn? It would be an awesome activity to share with the kids and we could all learn something from it. Is it too late in the season to plant?

Speaking of gardening, I have begun making my own baby food. I used good ol' Gerber baby food with Justin and Ava but I've decided that I want to see what it would be like to make Faith's food. My Magic Baby Bullet came in the mail last week, so I eagerly set it up and started right away. I love it! Yes, it takes a little time but I don't mind (really, what do I have better to do? pack? ha!) and I know exactly what she's getting. It's neat to introduce her to new foods that Gerber doesn't make. And have you seen some of those foods? Like the baby food version of mac and cheese? Ew!!!!

Now that I'm rambling, I think I'm done. Stay tuned, I'm sure I'll have some crazy adventures during the move!!!

House Huntin'

So now that Faith is recovering from surgery, we have been able to focus on looking for a house to rent. Our lease is up in the apartment next month, so I'm really feeling pressure to find a house like now. We don't have to move right this minute. Technically we have until the end of June, but if you know me, I want what I want and I want it now. It's a bad trait, I guess but I just can't seem to help it. I've actually thought about starting to pack now....

I have very few requests when looking for a house. I do have to realize that it is a rental, so it's not going to be 100% what I want. But still, there are few things I just cannot settle on. 3 (or dare I even hope for 4) bedrooms. We have 2 bedrooms now. Yeah not workin' out for 5 people... We need a yard. Every time we play outside at a friend's house, or go to the park my kids never want to leave. We were just at a birthday party this weekend and my kids wouldn't even go inside for cake. They were having too much fun playing outside. I laughed it off, but I really felt awful. They're craving some outside time in a big way. Yes, we have a patio but it's a sorry excuse for a 4 and a 6 year old to play on. They must have a backyard to play in.... I look forward to the day that my kids can invite their friends over and have space to play. I'd also like a separate space for a school room. No it's not necessary. We can homeschool at the kitchen table, but it would be nice to have a separate space for school.  I also hope for a neighborhood with lots of kids and nice neighbors. Oh yeah, another big one: it needs all of the appliances. We have been looking at some houses that don't have a refrigerator or stove. Seriously?! Not having a washer/dryer is one thing (although that would be nice not to have to buy them) but to have to buy a stove or fridge for I house that I don't ultimately own is something I can't get over. Who knows, maybe we'll have no choice to supply our own appliances....

I've been praying hard that God will lead us to the house that's right for us, and then I feel guilty for even praying for something so material. Yeah, we need a house but I know that I could spending more prayer time praying for other people that I know who are walking a tougher road that I am. I should be spending more time just praising God for guiding us through Faith's surgery. I can't count how many times I have said 'thank you' to the Lord, but it will never be enough. 

I also have to add that Faith has become very accustomed to me holding her all the time for the past 5 months 1/2 months. It's becoming increasingly difficult to get anything done with a baby on my hip. It's going to be a blast breaking her of that, but first we need to have our follow-up visit with the surgeon tomorrow. Until then I was instructed not to let her get too upset. I had to laugh, because they have no idea how much she loathes her car seat. She loves her swing a little too much as well. She naps in her swing and I've noticed that she is starting to get too big for it. Awesome. I have created a little monster!! She's cute so it's ok.....

Attempt Number 3

I tried to update this blog the night before the surgery, but was never able to finish. Then I tried again the day after surgery and it didn't happen. So now that Faith and I are home, I'm tryin' again!

So the night before surgery, Faith needed another complete echo done so that her case could be discussed at the weekly conference. All of the area cardiologists and the 3 surgeons at Le Bonheur as well as anybody that is in the OR during the surgery meet together on Wednesday afternoons to discuss the upcoming surgeries. It's like getting a 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 15th opinion. Funny thing, is that the doctor who told me Faith's surgery could wait was there. But that's beside the point. In the 4ish weeks since we had the appointment determining surgery, the surgeon told me that half of her heart has gone into heart failure. Scary, right? Thankfully that tidbit of information was thrown at me the night before surgery or it really would have shaken me up. It's all in God's plan.

I didn't sleep much the night before surgery. Who would? I never doubted that Faith would make it through surgery (despite the fact that my mother has asked me several times if Faith was going to die. Um, thanks for the reassurance), but the thought of my 5 month old precious baby going through open heart surgery didn't sit well either. Faith slept well, we snuggled in a big chair all night because I knew it would be awhile before we could do that again.... I was able to carry her down to the pre-op holding area where I was ambushed (ok, not really but that's what it felt like) by the anesthesia team and the OR nurses, explaining what was going to happen. When it came time to hand her over, I lost all composure. I cried of course, but they did let me watch her go down the hall as the nurse carried her, I could see her little face getting further away. As I watched her, I had that peace that passes all understanding that I prayed so hard for. The nurse who walked me out to the waiting room did tell me that they would pray before they got started. I was so thankful she told me that. I didn't stress during the surgery. I occupied my time by praying, chatting with a friend from our Sunday school class who visited and reading my Bible. Someone from Bellevue Baptist Church dropped by to pray with me and I people watched from the window of the CVICU waiting room. An OR nurse called me every hour or so to give me an update on the surgery and then the surgeon and his team came to let me know she was done and everything went well. I still had an hour to wait to see her, so I tried to prepare myself for what she was going to look like.

She looked better than expected, although with her eyes half open she looked dead. It sounds awful to say, but that's the thought I had in my head. She was alive of course, but it looked like she was barely hanging on. She had been through hell. She was trying to wake up, but she was under anesthesia and morphine and everything else. The room was so cold that I was visibly shaking. They had it cold because she was really hot. Her heart rate was in the 200's and her blood pressure was really high although I don't remember the exact numbers. The CVICU doctors and nurses were working hard to figure out what was causing it and how to fix it. Finally they did, and things settled from there for a little while.

The entire experience was and still is a roller coaster ride. Things turned really bad when her drainage tubes became clotted and about 3-4 ounces of fluid came rushing out of her body. Almost immediately her vitals became normal again. Another answered prayer. During this time, I have often though of Lucy's mom when I was at Le Bonheur. She was able to hold it together and blog her thoughts daily, as well as help others while going through so much with her precious girl. I was barely able to gather my thoughts, much less blog them and I didn't help really anyone like I had wanted or get an "inside" contact to continue my food mission. Once my Faith came out of surgery, all of my energy was poured into her. I kind of feel guilty for not doing what I told myself I'd do, but when it comes to a surgery like this you can't really predict what's going to happen.

I am so thankful to be home. I didn't get much sleep, coupled with the stress of taking care of a baby post-surgery really began to wear me down. Last night, I was really at a low point. I was sick of being in that hospital room alone with Faith with nobody to talk to, I was tired and I really wanted a shower. Only with the help of God, I was able to get through the night successfully. The kids didn't spend a lot of time at the hospital, because it was boring for them and being in a small room there wasn't much they could do but irritate each other. My sweet friends Faith and April brought lots of yummy treats and I really really enjoyed their company. I also probably talked the ears off of almost every nurse that took care of Faith. Some enjoyed talking to me, and others not so much. Faith's first nurse after surgery is from Clarkston, Michigan, two other nurses in the CVICU have/had breast cancer, another goes to Bellevue and had just gotten married 3 weeks ago, another nurse had just returned from the Grand Canyon with her adult kids and the night nurse we had all weekend had just bought a house and is looking to get rid of her cat. I guess I just really needed adult interaction!

Faith has been pretty cranky since we have been home. She has been dealing with gas issues, and I'm sure the "new" environment of home after spending 6 days in the hospital really overwhelmed her. She seems to be better as I type this (which is why I am able to post). It's also an adjustment because I have to carry her a certain way, being careful not to pick her up from underneath her arms so that her sternum can heal.

Faith is so blessed (and so is our family). She has had so many people praying for her. I know that Heaven was just flooded with prayer on her behalf. I know that Jesus was listening and He has been with her, healing her, comforting her and calming her crazy momma down! We are blessed to have a life group and friends that has loved on us this week and helped us get through one of the toughest experiences I've ever dealt with.

Open heart surgery is now in the "rear-view mirror." What an experience it has been. I am thankful that Faith's heart is fixed, although it was take a couple months to see proof. Her heart will take some time to go back to normal size. At least we're going in the right direction!

Now that this is over, it's time to start looking for a house. This apartment is getting cramped, and my husband calls me a hoarder....

13 Days....

Faith's surgery is scheduled for 13 days from today, on April 28th. Open heart surgery. They initially wanted us to bring her in on Sunday, to do the surgery on Monday morning. I said no. I want her to have her first Easter at home with us, wearing her pretty dress and her first Easter outfit. I want to attend service on Easter Sunday, and do the Easter egg hunt the day before, and just enjoy the holiday. She spent her first Thanksgiving in the NICU. There's no way I'd allow her to spend another "first" holiday in the hospital, unless it was an emergency situation. Yes, I am selfish but I don't want to ruin Easter for Justin and Ava.

Now that it's official, it's like a punch in the stomach. Part of me was hoping that the surgeons would want to do the catheter procedure, but I knew better. She doesn't look sick, doesn't act sick, so it seems like she doesn't need the surgery. But I know she does. I am the one who pushed and insisted on seeing her cardiologist. I can see it when she's covered in sweat and when I look at how fast her belly moves. I have an preconceived idea of what's coming and I know it won't be pretty. Every time I think about the actual surgery, I want to freak out. And when I imagine what she's going to look like when I see her for the first time after surgery, I want to vomit. I've never had major surgery in my life (tonsilectomy/adenoidectomy and tubes in my ears is the most excitement aside from giving birth I've ever had). I don't know what she's going to feel, but I know it's not going to be nice. Dan said last night that he feels like he did before his brain surgery. The anticipation, because he knows what lies ahead for her. If I could trade places with her, I'd do it without hesitation.

Until now, I've been ok with it. Probably because we didn't have a date and open heart surgery was only a likely possibility. Now it's an absolute. And now I'm scared. I admit, I've been allowing Satan creep into my thoughts and allow me to think about the what-ifs and the complications. Thankfully, I have had several people around me share stories of so-and-so who was just a couple weeks old, months old, years old, when they had open heart surgery and now they're full of life and healthy. I am thankful for those stories, because they're taking the fear away. Faith isn't the first baby to have open heart surgery and it's not like it's an uncommon or new procedure. It's not like Crusty the Clown left the circus and decided to try his hand at pediatric open heart surgery. She's going to be in one of the best hospitals around with the best doctors. And when it's done, it's done. She will be healed and we can go about our business. I know that's not the case for many families. I am grateful and I need to remind myself of that often.

I've got 13 days to prepare myself for this and to get rid of this fear that will do no good while I wait, most likely alone (because I'm certain the surgery is starting very early in the morning and my kids won't need to be there to see me in that emotional state) during the four hour surgery. Most likely, I'll be on my knees in that waiting room begging, pleading, praying that the Lord has His hands on that surgeon's hands while he is working on my baby. And that He is there, administering medication and anesthesia and He is there when they re-start her heart again.

I'm also praying that I can be obedient enough to carry out the work that God has laid on my heart. What a perfect opportunity, since I'll be at Le Bonheur for a week. I hope that Faith heals well so that I can talk with the right people and throw some ideas around about stocking the waiting rooms with food for those in need. I am hoping to build a rapport with the social workers, so I have a "go-to" person at the hospital. I could probably even stock the waiting rooms while I'm there..... I think I'm on to something......

Waiting....

Still waiting on an update from the surgeon. At this point, we don't know if Faith is going to need open heart surgery or if they'll attempt the simpler surgery. Either way, I pray she has total healing after all is done....

On a better note, we visited the Memphis Zoo for the first time on Saturday after Justin's t-ball game. What a cool place! Sorry Detroit Zoo, you just don't even compare! I am glad we bought a zoo pass, so we can go as often as we like (weather permitting). We had a lot of fun, but I did stress about trying to keep Faith as cool as possible. She sweats excessively with her heart condition, so I tried to keep her shaded and kept putting a cold wet rag on her skin as often as possible. She slept most of the time in her stroller, which was a good thing I did have to put a tiny bit of sunscreen on her legs, because they were often exposed to the sun, even with her sunshade on the stroller totally open. I didn't want to put a blanket over the stroller, because it would block the wind coming through, which was really helping her cool off... I would post pictures, but I haven't uploaded them to my computer yet. I had a cute little dress and a matching sun hat for Faith to wear, but we nixed that and put her in a onesie and she was more comfortable. Justin and Ava discovered two fountains at the zoo, and totally (I mean TOTALLY) soaked themselves. It was pretty hot, so why not? It was funny to watch them play in the water with their clothes on. They were not happy to have the air conditioning on during the ride home though. Haha. We stopped at Sonic for some ice cream on the way home. We were all wiped out once we got home!! It was such a fun family time....